Figuring it out as I go.

 

People tell me I’ve changed
how my hair shines and the peace they see in my eyes.
I have.
The warmth of his embrace holds onto me for hours after I say my last goodbyes and slip regretfully out the door, desiring nothing more than to forget the rest of the world, step back inside and lock the door behind me.
he strips my worries away with my clothing, sliding my panties and my heartbreak down to the linoleum without breaking his grip on my lips.
Gently coaxing my legs open, tears to my eyes, refusing to let me miss a taste of what he’s consuming.
My fears
Like a breath of smoke

I can’t commit
I avoid obligations,
Schedules,
Relationships,
anything I’ve not done a million times before.
I like to go back
More than once and leave again
Some bridges can be burned over
And over
Until you grow tired of feeling eyes on you
Your hair blowing in the cool breeze of cold whispers
You just spent an hour in the mirror to get it to lay the way you want it
And hour in the mirror perfecting your honest eyes, your innocence
Time to move on

I’m sorry I’m so tired. I slept all night but still I can’t focus though I fight it. My body aches and strains to move. Everything is just too much, The lights, the breeze, Names and faces and voices and remaining conscious. Every time I stop, I just can’t start again. I long to melt into the pavement, Rot and disappear. I think a million times about water in my lungs
Metal on my tongue
Cracking the rafters
And sometimes it’s just too much work to push it back, smile and make you laugh. I feel like a disappointment, a burden, a drag. And all I want is to fucking explode and give you something to look at.

I always end up just being who I am
And hating that girl

I can’t leave my face relaxed with all these eyes around
I compress until I smile, show teeth and bat my eyelashes
I can’t stay silent when there are ears to hear me, people need entertainment
I open my mouth and laugh louder than the music coming from the speaker,
Flatter and caress egos, leave them shocked, surprised, endeared to me like a lamb
I’ll slaughter each and every one to get some time to myself, I just want to be alone
Take off this denim and underwire and talc
And lay my body against cold sheets and sing those lyrics again
Listen to the blades cut the air, the cars passing on the street outside and let my lips pout
In a way that won’t make them imagine my lips, inspire hot desire
Stretch my limbs or curl up tight without thinking of the silhouette I create, how my shadow is cast
I’m tired
Look at me, but for gods sake, don’t fucking look at me

rage surges hot like electricity through     my   veins

i don’t know how to breath this air, even now

after all these years, i vibrate and rattle

and ache to die and just be still

tomorrow ill sweat it out.

stretch, peel it back

and continue.

unscathed.

please

sometimes he’s so gentle, soft 

breathing in my ear, licking my neck, 

hands gliding slowly over every inch until i’m

begging

i cant breath

gripping my throat until i gasp

fishhooked, cock down my throat

"take it"

where did you get those bruises, baby

Some people are soft, and only soften further given time