I lay on the bed and wait.
I close my eyes, relax my legs
Grab, pull, push, breath, speak
I am delicious
This past year has been so eye-opening, so freeing, so happy.
There are ups and downs but I remember how lost I was, alone, trapped in a body. This year has been the first leg in s journey of finding myself. I know more about who I am. I’m letting go of who I thought I wanted to be, who tried to be for so long. I am worthy of love and attention from others. I am worthy of love from myself.
I’m never able to sleep the night before my birthday
I’m getting old
I’m so frightened
And not a worry in the world
Today was so beautiful
I am so loved
I left the house today
I’m sitting in the silence, in the dark, in the cold, in my car
Watching the raindrops gather on the telephone wires, glistening in the streetlights, dropping to the cracked brick road in buckets
Bathed in the light of the scattered, broken, some panes missing all together
Of the dark looming structure before me, from which he will emerge, hidden in shadows, creating shadows
Wondering if he really loves me
Because when I pulled up to the house earlier, and realized he weren’t alone, his name next to hers, forever promised in rough grooves
Forever hadn’t worked for him, in precisely the same way forever hadn’t worked for me
Why should it then, now, for us?
And just as I’m losing my breath, a rush of cold air pulls me into his lips, velvet curve, fingertips, woven cotton strings wrapped around my wrists
I won’t make the same mistakes again, whatever they might have been